Thursday, January 12, 2017

2017 will be a ............................. year

The break was awesome.  I actually got some stuff done.  I made progress.  And the trend continues.  We initiated some projects to get us more organized.  We would have gotten even farther if it wasn't for a bad support bar in the shelving we just bought.........have to replace that shelving unit and then we can keep going!!!

I also started a project I never expected to work on, and REALLY never expected to enjoy as much as I am.  The hubster finally had to take possession of his comic book collection.  Let's just say there are a lot of them.  He started out pretty organized, alphabetized, bagged and boarded.  But some time between 1990 and 1991 he basically just started piling them in boxes.  So, I am cataloging and organizing his collection.  It's been very fun and very relaxing to do.  Who knew????

I am loaded with anxiety as 2017 kicks off.  My coping method may not be healthy but I am basically avoiding all media at all costs.  I may have to give up Facebook sooner rather than later.  The less I see and read the better my mental health.  I am turning inward, to myself, my home, my family.  In my little bubble I am safe and happy.  And that is where I need to be.  If I look too far out I see only pending disaster and loss.  It's not a question of if, it is a question of when and how much.  If I look beyond my four walls what little hope I have for humanity diminishes.  I know there are good people out there doing great things and I applaud and cheer for them.  But I can't watch our world slide into the hell it is heading for.  I just can't.  We joke about the collective fall of the IQ but damn, now we are seeing the results first hand and it is terrifying.

So, life for me is house projects, jigsaw puzzles, books, crafts, and quality time with the hubster and furry kids.  And that, that is a great thing.  I love my inner world.  My little library is my sanctuary, my happy place.  My home is my castle.  My family is my world.  And that is how it should be how it needs to be.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016


Ahhh, finally this year I am taking time off between Christmas and New Years.  In IT it usually means we work.  Systems have to be updated when no one else is working.  I said Nay this year.  I have had to work for the past 9 years over the holiday.  Finally, FINALLY, I have requested a break. 

I have big plans for that time.  Catch up on the long list of "To Do's"

It might end up being mostly spent reading curled up on the couch but hey, a girl can aspire to great things....

We have gotten our big "To Do" list down to a single address so that is actually huge.  The hubster and I don't move to quickly when it comes to the task list.  So there is that.

I am slowly but surely working to unclutter my life.  I have a huge sentimental streak in me so it is hard.  But I am getting there.  I have gone through and tossed/donated many things.  Then I take that smaller pile of things and go through it again hoping to make it even smaller.  Little by little I will get rid of so much stuff.  The old adage, if you haven't touched it in 6 months, you don't need it.  With our seasons here that is harder to do with clothing.  It takes a full year cycle to be able to say Nope to something.  But I think the fact that I donated 6 garbage bags of clothing is a start!

Baby steps...............I have to remind my self...........Baby steps..............

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Fuzzy future

Not that the elections have come and gone, what can one say that hasn't already been said.  I have great fears for the future.  Will they come to pass, who knows.  For now, I focus on my home, my family, the rising of the sun each day.  It's all I can do.  I will find peace in this uncertainty.  I will spread love and kindness, I will not hate.

I will continue to breathe..............

Tuesday, November 01, 2016

Random ramblings

What I am reading: A Spellman book by Lisa Lutz..............and about 10 other books.  sigh..........

My list of To-Do is SOOOOO long.

One checkmark at a time.  I know, I know.........

But being lazy is so much more appealing.

Just say'n.

My brain is swirling with thoughts but nothing I can say out loud. 

I want to hermit.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Random thoughts that really made me go hmmmmmm

My husband was telling me about a conversation at work around Halloween.  He was telling a coworker that it was my favorite holiday and I love to decorate the outside of the house for it.  She said it wasn't a real holiday.  And his response was if I can decorate for it, it is a holiday to me. 

So I looked it up.  I was curious about the origin.  Of course it is more than likely another holiday "stolen" by the Christians to thwart other beliefs.  And it is considered a Christian holiday.  Which I was totally fascinated by since many ultra conservative Christians won't allow their children to celebrate because it is a holiday of the devil.  You know, those pesky witches..........

Anyway, more to the point of my random thoughts on my drive home was around what would I do as a parent.  I don't believe in a god but I do have a great reverence for the natural world.  From both a scientific perspective and for Mother Nature.  I am in awe of what this planet and the universe does simply by existing.  I can't and won't attribute it to any single great plan or being.  My belief is far bigger than that. 

That said, I celebrate in a more Pagan way.  I celebrate Halloween as the time of the harvest, the time when nature is heading to bed so to speak.  And I love the idea of celebrating those that are gone.  The All Souls part of the holiday.  Trick or Treating is fun for me because the kids love it so much.  They get to use their imaginations to become someone or something else for a night.  They get to run around outside and visit their neighbors.  It is the one night they are allowed to skip "stranger danger".  It is the one night of the year they are truly allowed to be "free".

Then, Christmas.  I don't celebrate it for the Christian reason.  I celebrate that time of year for what it is.  The turning of the natural cycle.  Winter Solstice.  It is the start of the earth's renewal.  The days begin to get longer.  The start of hope for spring begins.  And I love that.  I love the quiet of winter.  The falling snow. My decorations lean toward lights and snowmen.  To bring some light into the long dark days.  But to enjoy what winter offers.  And find beauty and peace in all of nature's cycles. 

Easter, same thing, I celebrate the Pagan rights of spring.  I celebrate renewal.  That the earth has woken back up, and will burst forth in all her growing glory.

I would never force religion on my children.  Instead I would teach them to think for themselves, to find what they want to  believe in.  I would teach them to be kind for the simple reason that it is the right thing to do.  I would try very hard to raise them color blind.  To raise them to see all people for who they are, not what they are.  Judge a person by their actions, not by their skin color.  Let people be who they want to be.  Love who they want to love.  And as they meet people, learn and explore the world, then they can decide if religion is right for them.  And which one is right for them. 

As they make those choices though how do you raise them to not feel left out of traditions so many people partake in.  How do I take them to Grandma's house and explain Christmas and church.  How do I not color their impressions.  I have no clue how I would do any of that. 

Ultimately it doesn't matter.  We chose not to be parents so it is a conundrum I will never have to deal with.  But still, what would I have told little Nick or Maggie?  I wonder............

Wednesday, October 19, 2016


Twin Peaks, remember that show?  I was a huge fan.  At some point in the series they introduced a character that was a shut-in.  Someone that didn't go outside.  Laura Palmer used to visit him.  Bring him meals.  He grew orchids.  I don't remember details, his name, or anything else, but I remember thinking to myself he was the one character I could most relate to.  Someone who doesn't want to go outside and deal with people.  Exposure to someone like him was huge for me.  It was eye opening.  This seemingly weird need to exist in my own world and not interact with others was real.  There was someone else, albeit fictional, who felt the same way.  And he was LIVING the dream. 

Now we have the world wide web.  Introverts have united, maybe alone, in the quiet of their rooms, but united anyway in a common love of solitude.  My only reference to extreme introverted behavior is no longer one fictional guy from an old show.  There are lots of us!  We can be social, just social in a completely alone sort of way.  From afar, curled up with a cup of coffee, and a cat or dog, or both.

 More than a few friends have said to me that they don't know anyone else like me.  A bookworm, loner, who doesn't like social activities, that is fascinated by all things solitary.  Someone who truly dances to the beat of her own private drum.  I actually took pride in those statements.  I have always fancied myself as an individual that doesn't worry or care what other people think of me and the choices I make.  The fact that people know it, and I think, love me anyway, was great news.

Don't get me wrong.  There are people in this world I love and enjoy spending time with.  There are even more that I enjoy a cyber friendship with.  But when it comes to my happy place, and my ultimate comfort zone, I prefer solitude. 

Thankfully, I am married to someone that is equally as comfortable in his own world.  My husband is even less social than I am.  We absolutely and completely love spending time together but we are equally as comfortable doing our own thing.  We can be in two different rooms of the house and not interacting and we are ok with that.  We don't need to spend every waking moment together.  I can happily sit in my library and read or do a puzzle and he will watch tv or work on his hobby. 

Being comfortable alone, being able to do things on my own, is very natural for me.  I have even realized at the end of a day running around town that I just spent an entire day in public but yet feel like I was in a bubble of privacy.  I also realize that I probably had one too many conversations with myself while I did so but hey, who gives a shit.

Anyway, being alone is very different from being lonely.  For me, solitude is a beautiful thing.

Friday, October 14, 2016


As I tried to update the "About Me" information I had to change the number of cats.  I changed from 3 to 2.  But the good and the bad of it really was a change from 3 to 2 to 1 to empty kitty nesters but then, happily, back to 2.  In just a few years a lot of changes.  A lot of tears, and then, a great deal of joy and laughter. 

Thankfully, not much else changed.  And I am truly grateful for that.  There is something to be said in life NOT changing.  It doesn't mean life if boring.  It doesn't mean I am not doing anything with my life.  It means that in many ways, the good parts of my life are still there.

Since my last post I have traveled to Puerto Rico, Ireland, Argentina, Malaysia, Hong Kong, and Germany.  Each trip unique and amazing 

Oh, and we moved.  We had joked that we would leave our home feet first because we were too lazy to move but alas, the commute got to be too much.  The drive time seemed to be getting longer and longer no matter what the weather.  The final straw was a late night at work when we both left well after rush hour and taking two different routes ended up with almost an hour and half drive to go less than 30 miles.  In good weather!   We looked at each other that night after commiserating about our drives and said, let's move.  We started looking at homes on the internet that night.  A few months later we made an offer on a home.  And only three years after that, we sold the old house and were completely moved out of I guess we were still really lazy.  We moved in to the new house one car load/trailer at a time.  Then three months later we hired a moving company to get the last of the big stuff moved.  The next 2 years and 9 months would be sent cleaning and remodeling the old house.  We made a deal with a friend that he could live there in exchange for doing some of the work.  Then after he found a home of his own we finished the rest.  Part of the reason we weren't in a huge hurry to sell was the down market.  We probably got close to 40% more by waiting for the market to recover.  And in fact when we were ready to sell the first time homes were selling faster than they were getting listed.  We sold when starter home inventory was at record lows.  And we sold not to someone that would flip it or rent it, but to a sweet family just starting out.  THAT was the most important part.  Our much beloved home went to a couple that would cherish it as their first home where they raised their family.  That house had the best spirit.  So much love.  It was wonderful to pass it on to someone who wanted the home for the same reason. 

Looking back, the other big change was losing my Aunt.  I knew, when I said goodbye to my Uncle that she would soon follow and she did.  Six short months later.  And that broke my heart.  I have never been closer to two people outside of my immediate family.  They were my world.  There are still moments when I think I should call them to tell them about something and it takes my breath away to realize that I can't.  I tell them in my heart.  I talk to them still in my thoughts.  They may be gone from this world but they will never be gone from my heart.  Coping with their loss has been hard.  The hardest thing I have ever had to do.  But we have brought many of their things home with us.  Pieces of furniture that have been around since I was a baby.  The yellow chair/stool that sat in her kitchen.  It's in my kitchen now.  I can't tell you how many dozens of hours that I sat in that chair talking to them while they cooked meals.  In the new house we gained a family room so it was only natural to use their sitting room furniture.  It's not the same as having them there but it provides some level of comfort, of familiarity.  And I know they would love that the things they loved and used endured.  That it has passed on to another generation.